


Flicker Out and Fade Away

by Blizzard96



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Past Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-09-30 19:55:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10170641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blizzard96/pseuds/Blizzard96
Summary: Connor Murphy didn't pay much attention when he heard about some boy who died falling out of a tree over the summer. He had his own problems to worry about like his family, his addiction, school, and some kid in a striped shirt who just wouldn't leave him alone.





	1. Chapter 1

Connor’s head was pounding. It was not a new occurrence, so he tried his best to ignore it, pressing his face into his arms folded on the table. The darkness didn’t help much. If anything the pounding intensified, making him grit his teeth. He could practically hear his mother’s disapproving look, but it had been a long time since that had affected him at all.

“Did you hear?” Connor’s father asked. There was a rustling noise as he adjusted his newspaper. “There was something about a boy who died on the news last night. I think he went to your school.”

“No,” Zoe replied. Connor didn’t bother answering, and his father knew better than to expect one.

“Well, it seems like the poor boy fell out of a tree,” his father continued. “They were talking to his mother.”

Connor’s mother let out a soft gasp. “How awful!” Connor tuned his family out as the conversation continued, wondering if he could just go upstairs and back to sleep.

“Connor!” his mother suddenly said, sharply jerking him out of his thoughts.

He lifted his head and glared at her as the room came into focus. “What.” He tried to put as much venom as possible into the word.

She frowned at him. “I was asking you a question. Did you know that boy?”

He scowled. “Who was it again?”

“He didn’t know him,” Zoe cut in. “Connor doesn’t know anyone at our school because he doesn’t have any friends.”

“Shut up,” Connor snapped, chair squealing as he got to his feet. “You don’t have any friends either.” He all but bolted from the breakfast table, not bothering to listen to the voices calling after him. He stomped up to his room, slamming the door behind him. He was always slamming things these days. He wasn’t quite sure why. Maybe being louder would make someone pay attention to him. Maybe someone would actually see him for once. He scoffed. Whatever.

 

* * *

 

 

Connor hated school. It was only the first day of the year, and he already wanted to go home. He hated how people would whisper as he passed them in the halls. He hated that students and teachers alike would eye him like they were so much better. Like they were perfect and had their lives together. Like Connor was the only one fucking up.

There was a kid standing in front of his locker. He was wearing an unremarkable blue striped shirt to go with his unremarkable appearance. The only thing worth noting about him was that his left arm was in a cast. The kid was glancing around nervously, like he was waiting for someone. Connor huffed. He didn’t have time for this today.

“You’re in the way,” he snapped at the boy. The hallways were beginning to empty as kids rushed to their classes. Some of them were giving Connor odd looks.

“Wha- me?” The boy asked, gaze flitting to Connor.

“Who else would I be fucking talking to?” Connor asked.

“Oh, uh, I don’t know,” the boy stammered. “It’s just. You can see me?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’m sure it’s very impressive that I’m taking time out of my busy schedule to talk to you, but I need to get to class so move.” He tilted his head pointedly at the lockers and added a glare for good measure.

“Oh. Oh! Yeah, I’ll just.” The boy shuffled out of the way and Connor started twisting his combination into the lock. The kid was still standing next to him, staring right at Connor. He tried to repress his urge to just shove the other kid, and focused on stuffing his bag in the locker while grabbing his books.

Finally, unable to take it anymore, he slammed his locker shut, startling the other boy. “What the fuck do you want?”

“Freak.” Connor twitched at the giggles of other students from behind him, but continued to glare the boy down.

“Me? Oh, nothing. But. You can see me,” the boy repeated, sounding way more dumbstruck than the situation called for. He must have been more of a loser than Connor had initially thought.

“There’s something very wrong with you,” Connor said. He felt a twinge of guilt almost as soon as the words were out when the other boy flinched.

“Right. Sorry,” the boy muttered, wilting. He tugged at the hem of his shirt with his good hand.

“Uh,” Connor rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. Silence stretched between them. Connor cleared his throat. “What happened to your arm?”

The other boy looked up. “I, uh, fell out of a tree,” he answered, shifting uneasily.

Connor raised an eyebrow. “That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” The bell rang, signaling the start of class, and Connor scowled. Just great. One day in and he was already late for class, not that he cared, but his parents would give him shit for it. He looked up at the boy who seemed in no hurry to get to his own class. “Well, I wouldn't climb any more trees if I were you. I heard some kid died a few months ago doing that.”

The boy winced. “Yeah. I- I’ll do that. I mean, I won’t do that. Climb trees, that is.” Connor shook his head and looked around to search for his class. He was halfway down the hall when he heard the other boy call out to him.

“My name is Evan, by the way! I mean, not that you should care. Or do care. Sorry.” Connor turned to see Evan looking ready to bolt.

“Connor,” he said. Evan gave him a weak grin, and Connor turned back to finding his room. He doubted he’d ever see the other kid again anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I call this 'AU where Connor isn't a Huge Dick and Evan is just glad someone can finally see him'.
> 
> Will this be updated? The world may never know.


	2. Picture Perfect Afternoon

He wasn’t going away. Connor had been convinced that Evan would get scared off after a day of attempting to befriend him. He’d always had a prickly personality, but Evan was somehow still there after a whole week. The oddest part was that Evan was obviously intimidated by Connor, but continued to meet him at lunch or in the hallways. Connor couldn’t tell if Evan was just stubborn or stupid. 

“…And those are basically all the trees you need to know about in the park,” Evan concluded. He’d been rambling for the better part of twenty minutes about different trees (apparently he’d been a park ranger over the summer), but Connor had started tuning him out around minute five.

“Hey, I’ve got a question,” Connor said, crumpling up the paper bag his lunch had been in.

Evan perked up. “Yeah?”

“Why are you still fucking talking to me? We aren’t friends.” He internally winced at how harsh the words sounded and pretended he didn’t feel guilty when Evan’s expression deflated.

“Oh, uh, sorry. I just. You’re the first person that’s actually let me finish speaking in a while. Especially since my accident.” Evan’s good arm came up to rub the back of his neck nervously. “I don’t usually ramble so much.”

Connor raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Really?”

“Uh, w-well. I do, but I don’t mean to. I mean usually I do ramble, but I manage to cut myself off. Because I know it’s annoying. And I can stop, but it’s hard and you probably don’t care. I’m doing it again, I’m sorry.” Evan continued to apologize (and even apologize for apologizing) while Connor stared, torn between irritation and an odd desire to laugh.

“Stop,” Connor finally said, cutting Evan off. The other boy’s mouth closed abruptly. “I don’t know why you’re still here, but if you’re going to sit near me then shut the fuck up for a few minutes.” They sat in silence for a while as Connor checked his phone. It was mostly for appearances as he had no messages, but he was going to savor the short moments he had of Evan not talking. Connor chanced a glance in Evan’s direction to see the boy shifting uncomfortably, looking like he wanted to say something. Apparently Evan was not one for sitting still.

Connor ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “Alright, you look ready to fucking explode. Don’t you have any other friends to talk to?”

Evan winced. “I…” he began uneasily, “I had, er, have a friend. He’s a family friend. Like our moms are friends, but we aren’t. Jared. Jared Kleinman. Do you know him?” 

Connor frowned. He’d heard the name before, but he had never bothered learning much about the other kids in his school. “I’ve heard of him.”

Evan gave him a quick grin. “Yeah, well he’s my friend. Kind of. Actually he only hung out with me so his parents would pay for his car insurance.” 

“And here I thought you falling out of a tree was the saddest thing I’d ever heard,” Connor remarked. Connor had thought he had it bad, but Evan’s stories were downright pathetic.

Evan laughed nervously. “Yeah, I guess it is pretty sad now that I say it out loud.” The silence that ensued was considerably more awkward than the one a few minutes ago. Connor’s eyes darted around, searching for something to talk about, only to land on Evan’s cast.

“So, uh, no one’s signed your cast?” Connor pointed out. 

Evan glanced at his arm like he’d forgotten it was broken. “Oh! Uh, yeah. I mean, I haven’t really asked anyone to sign it.”

“I can sign it, if you want,” Connor offered. “That way we can both pretend we have friends.” At the suggestion, Evan’s expression turned into one reminiscent of a deer caught in the headlights.

“Oh! No, that’s fine!” Evan stuttered, waving his good hand. “You don’t need to!” Connor frowned, trying not to feel offended, but Evan continued. “I haven’t asked anyone because I’m… I’m probably getting it off soon anyway. Yeah, that's it. So don’t worry about it.”

Connor shrugged. “If you’re sure.” 

Evan nodded furiously. “I’m sure! But thanks though.” He gave Connor a hesitant grin. “No one’s offered before.”

“No one’s offered to sign your cast?” Connor tossed his paper bag toward a trash can a few feet away. It barely bounced in.

“No one’s offered to be my friend,” Evan replied. “Er, to pretend to be my friend, I guess.”

Connor wasn’t sure how to respond, so he stood and grabbed his backpack from the ground. ‘Me neither,’ he wanted to say.

 

* * *

Someone slammed into Connor in the hall as he headed to his locker from lunch. "Watch it," he muttered. He turned to see some short kid with glasses rubbing his shoulder. Connor frowned, thinking the kid looked vaguely familiar. The answer clicked suddenly. "Wait, you're Jared, right? Jared Kleinman?"

"What's it to you?" Jared sneered. He was smirking confidently, but also starting to edge away like Connor might lunge at him.

"It's..." Connor began, unsure how to maintain the conversation with the other boy. He didn't think 'I talked with your not-friend Evan at lunch' would be particularly compelling. "Nothing."

Jared rolled his eyes and turned back around to go to his class. "Freak," he said, loud enough for Connor to hear. Connor tensed, but stomped away with his fists clenched.

He didn't know why he'd even tried to talk to Jared in the first place. Jared was just like all the other kids in school who looked down on Connor. He reached his locker, twisted in his combination, and started pulling out books. Well, fuck all of them then. The only person he'd ever needed was himself. Connor ignored the twist in his gut when he thought about how nice it was to talk to someone at lunch for the first time in nearly four years. He'd tell Evan to find someone else to bug tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I actually managed to write another chapter so soon. If only I was this inspired in classes.


	3. Talk and Take In the View

“What part of ‘I don’t want to talk to you’ do you not fucking understand?” Connor snapped, glaring at Evan. He’d been trying to get the other boy to leave him alone since Tuesday, but there Evan was on Friday sitting at Connor’s lunch table. Connor had tried everything from ignoring him to bodily threats, but Evan was always back the next day. “Stop following me around.”

“It’s not like I want to bother you!” Evan burst out suddenly, “You’re the last person I would have chosen to talk to!” The boy’s eyes widened as Connor’s did, as if he was equally shocked by his own rude words. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that! Or I did, but not to your face. Wait, that sounds worse.”

Connor blinked, almost dropping his bag of chips in shock. Of all the scenarios he’d envisioned, he never imagined Evan would actually yell back. Granted, Evan’s words didn’t even come close to Connor’s usual biting insults, but it was so out of character that Connor blanked on a comeback. He barked out a laugh almost against his will and tried to turn it into a cough with mild success. “Then why are you here?” Connor asked, trying to regain his composure. He crumpled up the bag just to have something to do with his hands. “Just go talk to Jared or whatever.”

Evan got that alarmed look in his eyes that Connor had seen a handful of times before. The boy always looked like a cornered animal whenever he was pushed about his friends, family or the accident where he’d broken his arm. Connor had absently wondered before if Evan had a rough home life, but the boy never sounded afraid or angry about those he mentioned, just strangely sad. Then again, he did wear the same shirt nearly every day. Maybe his family didn’t have much money.

“I can’t talk to Jared,” Evan muttered, scratching absently around the edges of his cast. “He wouldn’t want to talk to me anyways.”

“Did you guys have a fight or something?” Connor asked, raising an eyebrow. He knew about having falling outs with friends all too well.

“Not exactly.” The boy’s eyes darted away from Connor’s. “We just… I messed things up.”

Connor shrugged. “Well, then go make a new friend or something. I’m not interested in the position.”

Evan looked terrified, and Connor could relate. He wasn’t fond of talking to other people either. “I can’t do that! I-I’m… It just wouldn’t work out.”

“So why did you latch onto me then?” Connor asked, picking through his lunch.

“Because you saw me,” Evan answered, sounding devastated. “No one else has done that since…” His eyes darted down to his cast. Connor felt something twist in his stomach at Evan's words. Even though every person at high school knew his name, they never saw him. Hell, even his own family never saw him, all too eager to label him the family fuck-up and move on.

Connor sighed, accepting his fate as unwilling friend(?) to some sad kid in a striped shirt. “I guess it’s whatever then. At least I’ll be able to tell my parents I have a friend now.” He tried not to notice the hesitant smile on Evan’s face.

* * *

It had been a week since Connor had reluctantly agreed to be Evan’s friend. He still got annoyed by the other boy at times (especially when Evan wouldn’t shut up about oak trees, and Connor had no idea how Evan knew so much about them), but they’d actually managed to have a handful of pleasant conversations. Well, if Connor could call them that. Usually it was just Evan rambling about his mother and other friends (Jared and a girl named Alana) who weren’t really friends, but more like people who could tolerate Evan for over a few minutes. Despite his inability to shut up, Evan somehow managed to talk about his life while skirting the circumstances of his accident. Connor usually just made agreeable grunting noises as he downed his lunch without volunteering much information about himself.

One time Connor had mentioned his sister Zoe offhandedly, and Evan had perked up a suspicious amount. The boy had tried to rein it in, but Connor could see right through it. He had, in no uncertain terms, told Evan that if the other boy even thought about talking to his sister Connor would pound his face in. Evan had looked mildly terrified, but he was getting used to Connor’s threats to the point where Connor was worried he was losing his touch.

* * *

Connor cursed his luck as he was partnered with Jared Kleinman for a project in Environmental Science. Jared seemed to share his level of enthusiasm as he alternated between glaring at Connor and making snarky remarks while for the half hour they had before the bell rang.

“So our topic is local deciduous trees,” Jared read off the worksheet. He looked up to eye Connor skeptically. “Do you even know what deciduous means?”

Connor scowled. “It means trees that lose their leaves seasonally.” Jared actually looked taken aback, and Connor felt that grim satisfaction again. Of course, he only knew that because Evan could go on and on about trees, but it felt good to surprise the other student.

Jared sneered. “How the hell do you know that? Do you actually look up plant life in your spare time?”

“No, but I have a friend who’s interested in the stuff,” Connor said.

“You?” Jared said, disbelief coloring his tone, “You have a friend?”

“Fuck you,” Connor snapped.

“What’s his name? Who’s the poor sap that got stuck with you for a friend?” Jared asked. Connor seriously considered punching the other boy, teacher be damned. He decided he really didn’t want to have another conversation with his mom and therapist about it.

“None of your damn business,” Connor huffed, pulling out his headphones and tuning out everyone else for the rest of the class. He was embarrassingly relieved when the bell rang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The insanely cool Jared Kleinman! There he is!


	4. Step Into The Sun

Connor had been doing suspiciously well in the latest chapter for Environmental Science. The chapter was all about trees and plant life. Seriously. The most embarrassing part was that Evan was the real reason that he’d been pulling off A’s lately. Connor had off handedly mentioned what was happening in his class, and Evan had adapted an expression like both Christmas and his birthday had arrived at once. From that point on, Connor had been subjected to a truly impressive crash course on plants every lunch period.

The first time he’d realized how much Evan was rubbing off on him was when his hand actually shot up to answer a question in class. The teacher had looked as shocked as Connor felt. When the correct answer fell out of Connor’s mouth there was a dead silence in the classroom, which was pretty unsurprising since Connor couldn’t remember ever contributing in the class aside from a deadpan “here” when attendance was called. From that point on, Connor tried to rein in his bizarre new knowledge, but he couldn’t help correcting other student’s answers with snippets he’d learned from Evan. Needless to say, Jared had fuel to tease him with for eternity, which the other boy was not shy about exploiting.

“So Connor,” Jared grinned at him as the class split into pairs to continue working on their partner projects. Connor rolled his eyes, bracing himself for whatever mocking that may come. “Sounds like you’re finally interested in some plant life that you can’t smoke.”

“Sounds like you need to shut the hell up,” Connor snapped, pulling out his beat up binder. He flipped it open to the section he kept his Environmental Science notes on. The section was surprisingly full, mainly because he’d taken to scribbling down some of Evan’s lectures during lunch. It seemed to make the other boy pretty happy.

“I’m just saying,” Jared shrugged. He glanced over Connor’s messy notes. “Seriously though, where did you learn this stuff? You answered a question about a topic we haven’t even covered yet. Did you actually read ahead in the textbook?” Jared gave him a mock horrified expression.

“No.” Connor huffed. “I told you, I have a friend who likes these kinds of things.”

“Right, right,” Jared agreed in a tone that suggested he thought Connor was full of shit. “Your secret nameless friend who’s obsessed with trees. You know, it would actually be less embarrassing to admit you read ahead than to make up a friend.”

“I didn’t make him up!” Connor growled, slamming his fist on the table. The pair next to them jumped. Jared’s eyebrows shot up, but tried not to look startled otherwise. 

“What’s going on over there?” the professor asked, head turning to regard Connor and Jared suspiciously.

“Nothing,” Connor replied. “Hit my leg on the table.” The professor narrowed his eyes at Connor but turned back around to the student he’d been helping. Connor went back to glaring at Jared. “God, you’re annoying.”

Jared’s arrogant grin was back. “I try. Hey, just tell me the name of your mystery friend, and I won’t ask you to prove that he’s real again.” The boy smirked like he’d won some argument.

Connor briefly considered telling Jared to go fuck himself, but realized that this might be the fastest way to get Jared off his back about it. “Fine. Evan Hansen. He knows a lot about plants for whatever reason.”

Jared went statue still, the ever present grin sliding off his face. “You knew Evan Hansen?” Jared asked, sounding uncharacteristically small.

The abrupt change in Jared’s demeanor left Connor frowning. “Yeah. He said he knew you too. You’re family friends, right?”

“Yeah, we were,” Jared replied, drawing in on himself. Connor tilted his head at the use of past tense. Well, Evan had said they had a falling out, or something along those lines, before he’d broken his arm. Maybe Jared still felt guilty about it too. “He never mentioned you,” Jared suddenly said with a frown.

“I mean, I didn’t meet him that long ago,” Connor said. Now that he thought about it, he and Evan had only been official friends for about a month.

Jared nodded slowly, and Connor felt like he was missing something. “I guess he had a lot of things going on that he didn’t tell me about.” It was weird to see Jared like this. The usual cockiness was gone and replaced by a very vulnerable looking boy. Connor didn’t even have the heart to tease him about it. Maybe talking with Evan was making him soft. “So you guys talked about trees?” Jared asked.

“Yeah,” Connor answered, making a face. “He never shuts up about them.”

Jared gave a choked off laugh. “Yeah, yeah that sounds like Evan.” The bell rang before the moment could get any more awkward. Jared was out the classroom door like a shot, leaving an off balance Connor to pack up his things. He shook his head, thinking about how that had been one of the oddest interactions he’d had to date.

 

* * *

 

“So, there’s a new face in my yoga class,” Connor’s mother said that night at dinner. Connor rolled his eyes and pushed his potatoes around his plate.

“Who is it?” his father asked. 

“Heidi Hansen,” she replied. Connor’s head jerked up, drawing a look from his sister. He made a face at her and she scowled back, losing interest. Connor tried to listen in on his parent’s conversation more subtly.

“Really?” his father asked. “How is she doing? She must have been devastated after that accident.”

“Oh, she’s definitely still struggling,” Connor’s mother replied. Connor frowned. Evan had never mentioned his mother having an accident recently. A pit of dread grew in his stomach. “I can’t imagine what that must be like to go through.”

Connor’s father flipped to the next page of his newspaper. “Did she say why she was joining all of a sudden?”

“She didn’t say too much, but I think her friends at the hospital implied that taking a class might be a constructive way to get her mind off things.”

His father hummed. “Makes sense. It’s good that she’s trying to get through it.”

His mother nodded. “I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose a child.” Her eyes flickered to Connor, who had gone still in his seat. “Connor, are you alright?” He wasn’t. The world was starting to spin all around him.

“I’m done,” he choked out, shoving his chair away from the table with a screech and all but running to his room.

“What’s with him?” he heard Zoe ask. He didn’t hear anyone’s response as he slammed his bedroom door closed. Connor hurriedly grabbed his backpack and dug through it for his laptop. He opened it quickly and pulled up Google, typing ‘Evan Hansen’ into the search bar. There was a ringing noise in his head as the page reloaded. The results yielded an article from early June.

“Local Boy Found Dead at State Park”

_This afternoon eighteen year old Evan Hansen was found dead in Ellison State Park by a park ranger. Examiners believe Evan fell from a tree from an estimated height of thirty to forty feet. Evan’s mother, Heidi Hansen, was contacted to identify him. Evan had been working in the park as a ranger for the summer, though it is unknown why he was in the tree in the first place…_

Half an hour and a variety of Google searches later, Connor shut his laptop, certain of two things:

1) Evan Hansen died in June from falling thirty feet out of a tree.

2) Connor had been speaking to a dead boy for over a month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The truth is finally revealed! Evan's got a lot of explaining to do, and Connor probably needs a hug.


	5. Maybe Everybody Wants It (And Needs It) A Little Bit Too

Okay he could handle this, Connor reasoned. Maybe it was some other kid he’d been talking to also named Evan Hansen. Was Evan a common name? That didn’t matter anyway since the kid he’d been talking to was alive. At least, Connor was pretty sure he was alive. What was he going to do? Confront Evan?

“Yeah, that’ll go over well,” Connor muttered, running his fingers through his hair. “Funny story, I tried to find your Facebook account, but oops it looks like everyone’s saying you’re dead.” He felt inappropriate laughter bubble up in his chest.

Connor flopped back on his bed. God, he was way too sober for this. He would have liked nothing more than to get high or drunk, but he was broke at the moment as his parents had cut off his allowance. His phone pinged, startling him back to reality. He glanced at the screen.

_**Jared** _

_Hey, what part of the powerpoint do you want?_

 

Connor felt his stomach turn as he remembered how Jared had acted once Connor mentioned being Evan’s friend. Oh god, did Jared not know Evan was still around? Was Evan even around? Had Connor just been talking to himself every lunch period and looking like a complete freak? But then again, how could he make up the personality of a dead kid he’d never known?

“My therapist is going to have a fucking field day,” Connor groaned. He picked up his phone.

_**Connor** _

_i don’t care_

**_Jared_ **

_Alright, see that’s not an answer._

**_Connor_ **

_what are the fucking options then_

**_Jared_ **

_Jesus, who pissed in your Cheerios?_

_You can do either characteristics of the red maple, or how it’s used today._

**_Connor_ **

_fine ill research how its used_

**_Jared_ **

_Great. We can finish the powerpoint in class. Maybe try letting the bees out of your ass in the meantime._

Connor rolled his eyes and tossed his phone to the side. He glanced at his laptop. He wanted nothing less than to start researching a goddamn tree, but if he didn’t Jared would be irritating the next day, and Connor wasn’t sure he’d make it through that without throwing something. Resigned, he grabbed his laptop and hoped vainly that it might take his mind off of the dead boy.

* * *

 

“Connor!” Evan greeted the other boy, hand half raised in a nervous version of a wave.

“Hey,” Connor replied tightly. He looked Evan up and down, not really sure what he was expecting to see, but there were no blood stains or ghostly pale skin like what he usually saw in horror movies. Evan just looked like any kid he saw in the school hallways. There was no way Evan was dead, right?

“Uh, are you okay?” Evan asked, sounding concerned. Connor frowned. The other boy didn’t even look translucent or anything, but…

Connor impulsively reached out a hand to grab Evan’s arm. It passed right through when Evan wasn’t quick enough to yank it back. “Oh god,” Connor blurted, feeling numbness wash over him.

Evan’s face went pale and his eyes widened. “I-I can explain!” he said, waving his hands. 

Connor was still staring at his own hand, heartbeat loud in his ears. When he looked up, Evan looked to be on the verge of tears. “Start fucking explaining then.”

“W-well… I was… What I’m trying to say is,” Evan sputtered.

“You’re dead,” Connor said, mentally willing Evan to deny the words or to wake up and find out this was some kind of messed up dream. His prayers were not answered when Evan seemed to hunch in on himself.

“I’m dead,” Evan echoed, looking defeated. “I…I fell out of a tree in June.” His voice shook on the admission.

Connor’s world felt like it was spinning. “But you’re here! How the hell are you here?! Why didn’t you tell me?” Connor yelled. His thoughts were zipping around madly like they would whenever he yelled at his sister or parents. He wanted to scream or maybe punch something until the pounding in his head just s t o p p e d.

Evan flinched, cowering away from Connor’s anger, and tears started to roll down his cheeks. “I don’t know! I don’t know why I’m here! I just was falling, and I hit the ground, and when I opened my eyes I was at a graveyard, okay?!” He let out a heavy sob. Connor tried to take some grounding breaths, fists clenching and unclenching. “My mom was there. She was standing over a grave. My grave. She was wearing all black, and she was crying.”

The anger Connor had been feeling before started to ebb away, leaving him feeling hollow. “But you’re here.”

“I couldn’t stay at home,” Evan muttered, rubbing at his eyes. “My mom would just cry all day, and she couldn’t even go into my room,” he took another shaky breath, “I just couldn’t watch her and not do anything, so I left because I was afraid to see that.”

That brought Connor up short. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what that would be like, not in small part because he doubted his family would even miss him that much if he died. “That… That sounds awful.”

Evan rubbed the back of his neck with his good hand. “I just came here because… I didn’t know where else to go. I couldn’t go home and I didn’t want to go back to the park.”

Connor frowned. “So you’re not stuck here because you have unfinished business or whatever?”

Evan choked out a humorless laugh. “Not as far as I can tell.”

“Well, there has to be a reason you’re still here,” Connor said. “God knows no one is actually here voluntarily.” 

The other boy finally cracked a tiny grin. “Yeah, this definitely was not what I was expecting it to be like after I died.” They regarded each other silently for a while. Connor finally sat down heavily at the lunch table, and after a while Evan moved to sit on the opposite side. Connor wondered if Evan actually felt the bench under him.

“I guess this means you’ll stop talking to me,” Evan said, sounding resigned. “I mean, I wouldn’t want to talk to me even if I were alive.”

Connor grimaced. He’d never had a friend, not really. Sure, there’d been a couple of people that had tolerated him for a brief period of time, but they’d all eventually realized that Connor was too much of a fuck up to handle and abandoned him. Evan had been the first person to sit with Connor at the lunch table in four years and, despite the nonstop tree lectures and rambling, he was the first person that had actually seemed genuinely interested in the few things Connor had to say when he spoke. Not even his own family accepted Connor like Evan had. The thought of losing their shaky friendship and going back to his previous isolation from human contact had Connor’s throat closing up.

“No,” he managed to choke out.

Evan’s expression fell. “Yeah, I get it.”

“No, I mean, I want to keep talking to you,” Connor hurried to add. “I don’t care about all that other shit. Well I do, but that’s mainly because you’re a ghost, and I really think we need to talk more about that later. But for right now you’re my… I mean I don’t want to stop being friends. Or whatever.” He awkwardly looked away after that. Connor couldn’t remember the last time he’d expressed his feelings, and that included his many trips to the therapist.

“Really?” The amount hope in Evan’s voice was almost embarrassing.

Connor scowled, turning back to Evan. “Don’t make me say it again.” He tried to keep his face expressionless as Evan’s lit up, but ultimately found himself smiling just a bit. _Fucking figures that the only friend I can make is a dead kid,_ Connor thought wryly. But, as Evan gave him such a relieved smile, Connor found himself thinking that he’d never seen the other boy look so alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not pictured: Connor dramatically bursting into his therapist's office, flopping down on the couch, and saying "Karen, you'll never believe this shit."
> 
> Also I now have 'red maple facts' in my search history.


	6. It's Like I Never Made A Sound

“So…what’s it like?” Connor asked. Evan looked up from where he was trying to nudge a rock with his shoe. His shoe went right through the stone. Connor absently wondered how many times things like that had happened that he’d never noticed.

“What’s what like?”

“You know.” Connor made an indecipherable hand motion. “Being dead?” He winced as soon as the words were out, wishing he’d phrased it better. He’d been avoiding the topic since he’d found out about Evan’s death a few days prior.

Luckily, Evan didn’t seem offended by the question, but he still looked uncomfortable. “It’s just like being alive,” he stated slowly. “It’s just… now people really don’t see you?” He made a face. “You know, I tried talking to other people when I first figured out I was dead. My mom, Jared, Alana, even Zoe.” Connor frowned at that but let Evan continue. “I started out thinking that it would be like those movies you watch where the dead kid comes back and is magically able to reunite with his family and friends and everyone has a good cry and all their problems are solved.”

Connor snorted. “I don’t think it works out that easily.”

Evan huffed a laugh. “Yeah. I figured that out pretty fast. Couldn’t talk to anyone. Couldn’t move anything. Couldn’t even tell my mom I was sorry for leaving her alone.” His voice broke a little on the last word. They lapsed into a silence where all they could hear was the wind whistling through the trees.

“So,” Connor said after a while. “Why do you think your arm’s still broken if you’re dead?” He nodded toward Evan’s cast.

Evan frowned. “I’m don’t know. I thought at first I might have broken it during the fall before I actually died, but it doesn’t explain why I have a cast.”

“Maybe it’s important,” Connor suggested.

“Important how?” Evan asked.

Connor shrugged. “Fuck if I know, man. I don’t pretend to understand why the universe decided to fuck you over one last time.” Evan grinned a bit, way too used to Connor’s dark humor.

“If it really is some kind of test, then I guess I’m failing,” he sighed.

“Hey!” a voice called out, getting the two boys’ attention. Connor looked over to see Jared striding up to them with his ever present smirk. “You know I heard that you could be found out here talking to yourself, but I didn’t think it was actually true.”

Connor rolled his eyes and decided to not acknowledge the comment in favor of digging around in his lunch bag for an apple. He glanced at Evan out of the corner of his eye to see the other boy looking at Jared with a kind of deep sadness. “What do you want?”

“I need to go over the notes with you for Enviro,” Jared said, apparently deciding that Connor’s lack of reaction was boring and cutting to the chase. “Your handwriting for our report was near indecipherable when I was trying to make our presentation.”

Connor lifted his head and glanced at the notes Jared was waving in his face, his own chicken scratch words staring back at him. “I want to be mad, but that’s fair.” Connor snatched the papers from the other boy and began puzzling over them. “Is that a ‘b’ or a ‘d’?” he muttered aloud, trying to decipher the writing.

“Are you kidding me?” Jared exclaimed, throwing his hands up. “Not even you can read it?!”

Connor scowled. “Look, I’ll just type it up later in a Google doc. Now shut the fuck up, I have a headache.”

Jared muttered something under his breath that Connor couldn’t quite make out, but waved a hand. “Fine,” he said louder. “I’ll just let you go back to talking to yourself or whatever.”

Connor looked up from his notes to watch Jared depart, only to see Evan standing right in front of the other boy. Evan lifted his arm hesitantly and tried to grab Jared’s shoulder with his good hand, only for it to pass right through. Connor felt an odd wave of empathy wash through him as Jared walked straight past Evan and back into the school building.

He barely made out Jared’s quiet, “It’s fucking cold outside” before the boy was gone. Evan dropped his hand back to his side. Connor looked back down at the notes quickly before the other boy could notice him staring.

After a few minutes he chanced another look up only to see Evan had vanished. Connor whipped his head around only to find Evan on the other side of the table behind him. His shock died quickly when he realized Evan was just staring at the table, absentmindedly tracing the wood patterns with a finger.

“I’m sorry,” Connor said, though he knew the words were inadequate for whatever the other boy was feeling. Evan’s finger stopped, mid-trace. He looked up to Connor with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

* * *

 

“Hey!” Connor’s head jerked up reflexively, but he dismissed the other voice fairly quickly. No one ever called his name anyway. “No you!” the voice called again. Connor frowned and turned around to see a girl running up to him. “Glad I caught you!” she said, coming to a stop in front of Connor.

“Me?” Connor asked, too shocked to even put up his normal irritated facade.

“Yes,” the girl stated firmly. “My name is Alana Beck and I-“

“Wait, Alana?” Connor asked, recognizing the name.

Alana’s face lit up. “You know me, right? I am the class valedictorian after all.”

“Uh, right,” Connor agreed, realizing he’d heard the name from both Evan and Jared. “Valedictorian.”

Alana barreled on like Connor had never spoken. “Anyway, I was hoping to hear from some students about what they think about our school’s mental health education and assistance program.” She shook a stack of papers at him (people really needed to stop waving papers in his face before he got a paper cut), which Connor realized were surveys.

Connor felt a something clench in his gut. A scowl overtook his face. “What, so you’re asking me because you think I’m crazy, right? You think I’m a fucking freak.” He could feel a pressure building behind his ribcage, and it felt like the entire hallway was staring at him. He fucking hated when this happened, and his hands clenched into fists around the strap of his messenger bag.

“What, no!” Alana said quickly, backpedaling. “It’s just. I heard you knew Evan Hansen.”

All the fight drained out of Connor almost instantly. That was one sentence he hadn’t been expecting. “What?”

“You know, Evan?” Alana pressed. “He died a few months ago?”

Connor waved a hand. “No, I know who he is, but what does he have to do with anything?”

Alana shuffled nervously. “Well, I always knew he had severe social anxiety disorder. He told me, well me and Jared, about it, and I was wondering if he ever talked about it with you.”

He was stunned for a second. Connor hadn’t known about Evan’s social anxiety, but then again the other boy rarely talked about himself. He’d initially wondered if Evan’s nervous behavior was a result of his current state of existence, but now he realized it might have been something present from even when the other boy had been alive. “Uh,” Connor said, realizing he’d left Alana hanging for a while. “We never really talked about stuff like that.”

“Oh,” Alana said, deflating a bit. “Well,” she tried to put on an enthusiastic expression, though it was clearly less genuine, “Let me know if you have any opinions about our school’s current program. I’m trying to push awareness of mental health.” She shoved a survey into Connor’s hands and turned to leave. A thought struck Connor suddenly.

“Wait,” Connor blurted. Alana turned back around, a confused expression on her face. “Do you think Evan might have…” he trailed off, unable to find a way to phrase the question.

Alana seemed to get it anyway. “I don’t know,” she replied, sounding small. Her optimistic demeanor seemed to slip, and Connor saw someone a lot more tired and lost behind it.“I don’t know why he was thirty feet up in a tree that day, but I do know that sometimes I feel like climbing that high to get away from everything.” She then ducked away into a crowd of students rushing to their lockers, leaving Connor alone with the survey crumpled in his fist.

He looked down at the paper.

_You are not alone!_

Connor snorted. Yeah. Right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared was the one who made the fliers at Alana's insistence. They're in comic sans with a variety of horrible clip art graphics. The text is center aligned. Somewhere, a graphic designer cries.


	7. This Is Me Just Pretending To Know

“What’s that?” Evan asked, pointing to the crumpled paper sticking out of Connor’s pocket. Connor had forgotten that he’d kept the thing in the first place.

“An eyesore,” he replied drily, smoothing out the paper. The design was…indescribable. He and Evan were waiting outside of the school for Zoe to get done with jazz band so they could drive home. “Actually, I got it from Alana.”

Evan perked up. “Alana? What did you guys talk about?”

Connor shrugged. “She just wanted my opinion on our school’s mental health program. She thinks I knew you back when you were still…” he trailed off.

“Oh,” Evan said, sagging a bit. “Well, how is she?”

Connor huffed. “Loud. Though I admit that it was a little impressive that she even talked to me in the first place. Most people actually move to the other side of the hall.”

Evan laughed. “Yeah, she was always pretty straightforward.” He looked a little faraway, like he was remembering something. “I’m sure she’s fine. She always seemed to have her life together whenever we talked,” he explained, as if he hadn’t told Connor a million times. “Alana would always be going on about saving the whales or some other volunteer work. She’ll probably end up running the country someday.”

Connor thought back to Alana’s tired expression when Evan was brought up in their earlier conversation. “I guess. Maybe you should go see her again.”

Evan frowned. “It’s not like she’d even know I was there. There’s no point. Even if she did see me, she probably wouldn’t care much anyway.” He laughed self-deprecatingly. “I think I was always just one of her projects. You know, the kid who always eats lunch alone that she can feel good about herself for befriending.”

Connor raised an eyebrow. “You’re pretty goddamn pessimistic, you know that? And that’s coming from me.”

Evan actually looked a little irritated. “Well, it’s not like you know what she’s like.” His mouth immediately snapped shut and his eyes widened. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… I mean-“

Connor cut Evan off before he could get started. “Then come with me. Maybe we’ll get to see what she really thought about you.”

Evan’s brow furrowed. “And how would we do that?”

“With this,” Connor waved the survey in front of Evan’s face. “I have a lot to say about my mental health, especially now that I’m seeing dead people.”

 

* * *

 

“There she is,” Evan whispered, edging out from behind Connor. Alana was standing at the end of the hall near a table, shoving fliers at anyone who made the mistake of making eye contact with her.

Connor rolled his eyes. “You know you don’t have to whisper, right?” He gestured to Evan’s non-corporeal form.

Evan flushed. “Just go talk to her.” Connor waved him off, but started heading in Alana’s direction.

“Hey!” he called, gaining the girl’s attention. “I filled out your survey.”

“You did?” Alana asked, looking startled.

“You did?” Connor realized Jared was right behind Alana, making a much more judgmental expression.

“Oh, fuck off Kleinman,” Connor snapped.

Jared held his hands up in surrender. “I’ll just go to the other end of the hall if I’m not wanted here then.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and strode off, whistling. Evan giggled from somewhere to Connor’s left. It took all of Connor’s self control not to react.

“Here it is,” Connor said, handing Alana a very beat up looking survey. She took it gingerly between two fingers and gave him a smile that looked more like a grimace.

“Ah,” she said, dropping the survey into a tray on her table. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Connor replied. “Hey, actually I wanted to talk to you about Evan.” He coughed to cover up his laugh when he watched Evan stiffen beside him. 

Alana went through a series of expressions too fast for Connor to fully discern any of them. “What about him?” she asked carefully.

Connor shrugged. “Just what he was like, I guess. I’d only been talking to him a few months before he, you know,” Connor tilted his head, “And I was just wondering what you thought about him.”

Alana sighed and set the surveys in her hand down on the table. “He was one of the closest things I had to an actual friend. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of friends but they’re all… ‘friends’.” She made quote marks around the word. “I’ll say ‘hello’ to people in the hallway and they’ll usually say ‘hi’ back just to be nice, but Evan would always listen to me after that. He was a good listener.” She gave a sad smile and looked down at her feet.

Connor nodded. “He talked about you a lot.”

Alana’s head jerked up in surprise. “He did?”

“Yeah. All the time. He said you were going to change the world someday.”

Alana laughed, and it sounded a bit watery. “That’s nice to hear. I thought he would have hated me.”

Evan made an indignant sound. “What?!”

“I don’t think I was the best friend,” Alana continued, oblivious to Evan’s protests. “Since he was the only one who would listen to me, I unloaded all my problems onto him.” She looked away again. “I feel like I’ve been under a lot of pressure my entire life. It was… rare to find someone to talk to about that. I think Evan was under pressure too, but to a far greater extent than I was. But,” she bit her lip, “He never complained when I would talk over him or go on about my own problems. I never listened to him, and I regret that now.” She drew a deep breath and rubbed at her eyes. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t what you were asking about. I know I need to get better at that.” She looked Connor in the eyes and gave him a half smile. “Evan was a good kid. He was a good listener and a great friend. I wish I had seen that more when he was here. Sorry, I need to go to the bathroom for a minute.” She all but fled from the table.

There was a noticeable silence as Connor was left standing in the hall alone. “I never knew she felt that way,” Evan said, dumbstruck. He shook his head. “I thought she always had everything together. Sure, she was under a lot of pressure, but I never really thought it got to her.”

“She probably just hides it better than most people,” Connor said. “Everyone handles stress and loneliness differently. That’s probably why she throws herself into all these projects.”

Evan looked at him strangely. “That was actually pretty perceptive.”

“Thanks,” Connor replied. “I’ll be sure to tell my therapist that her posters are good for something after all.” He glanced down at Alana’s surveys and then back to Evan, frowning as he noticed something. “Hey, what’s on your cast?”

“What?” Evan raised the cast up, his eyes widening as he saw what Connor pointed out. “That definitely wasn’t there before, right?” he asked, looking to Connor.

Connor shook his head. “Not that I can recall.” On Evan’s cast was Alana’s name in what appeared to be bold black Sharpie. “Is that because of what she said?”

“I guess?” Evan agreed, studying the name intensely, like it might disappear if he looked away. Evan ran his fingers over the name.

“Maybe if we talk to more people, their names will appear too,” Connor suggested. He made a face as he realized something. “Wait, does that mean I’m going to have to talk to more people then? God dammit.”

Evan froze at that. “Oh no,” he muttered.  
“What?” Connor asked, internally mourning the fact that he would probably have to talk to Jared about his FEELINGS (gross).

Evan turned the cast over as if taking in all the empty space. “I don’t think I know that many people.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I can't believe I have to talk to Jared about emotions. Evan, I haven't had an emotion since 2009."


	8. Another Stumble As I'm Reaching For The Right Thing To Say

The opportunity for Connor to talk with Jared came three days later, much to Connor’s dismay. Connor was usually stuck for a couple of hours after school anyways for Zoe to finish up with her jazz band rehearsal, and apparently Jared had a car so he’d suggested they finish their Environmental project in the library that evening. It was a reasonable and terrible idea all at the same time.

“You know,” Evan said, looking at Jared’s notes over the boy’s shoulder, “I’ve never had a class with Jared since freshman year.” Connor grunted in acknowledgement, prompting Jared to shoot him a suspicious look.

“You alright over there, Green Day reject?” Jared asked, earning himself a scowl.

“Allergies,” Connor muttered.

Jared frowned. “It’s October.”

“Maybe I’m just allergic to you.”

“Maybe you should get a comeback that’s not from Hot Topic.”

“Shut the fuck up, Kleinman,” Connor finally snapped. A very small part of Connor grudgingly acknowledged that Jared’s sarcasm was about on par with his.

Jared raised an eyebrow. “Actually, I can’t do that since we’re supposed to be working on this project together, as in we need to have a bare minimum level of communication.”

Connor huffed, wondering how the hell this guy was ever friends with Evan. “We’re almost done. We just have to put the sources in the power point and print the final paper.”

“Yeah, but then we have to rehearse the power point,” Jared said, throwing his hands up.  “How the hell did you make it to your senior year?”

“I’ll be honest, I ask myself that every day,” Connor replied, thinking that someday Jared would probably roll his eyes so hard he’d create a low level tornado on the other side of the globe.

Jared sent the paper to print with a few more smartass remarks that were honestly not that effective anymore. In the past, Connor mused, he probably would’ve punched Jared in the jaw, but now all of the other boy’s remarks were like white noise. Overexposure, probably. Connor made a face as he realized how much time he’d spent around Jared.

“Now’s probably the best opportunity,” Evan said, taking his chance to talk to Connor when Jared got up to go to the printer.

“For what?” Connor asked, purposefully playing dumb.

Evan made a frustrated noise. “Don’t make me say it, it’s embarrassing!”

Connor leveled Evan with an unimpressed look. “Oh, it’s embarrassing for you? I’m the one who has to have deep meaningful conversations with these people when I have the emotional range of the average rock.”

“Think of something!” Evan hissed, shutting up as Jared returned.

Jared had a strange expression on his face. “So, like, is the talking to yourself thing something that's always been happening, or is it a recent development?”

“Uh, my therapist says it’s a coping mechanism,” Connor lied quickly. “You know. Helps me confront my feelings or some shit.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Connor coughed. “It started after Evan… You know.”

“Are you serious?” Evan asked over Jared’s shoulder. Connor made a face back, but luckily Jared didn’t notice as his eyes immediately dropped when Evan’s name was brought up.

“Oh,” Jared said, looking extremely uncomfortable.

“You knew Evan for a while,” Connor said, trying to keep Jared from completely shutting down and condemning Evan to a death of forever haunting the local high school like something out of a bad Disney movie. “What was he like?”

Jared looked at Connor blankly. “Do you really want to have this conversation at the school library at 4pm on a Thursday? With me?”

“No,” Connor replied truthfully, and Jared snorted. “But my therapist says I need to talk with someone about it. And you seem like the person least likely to confront me later about it.”

Jared considered that. “That’s fair.” He stuffed their report into his binder and sat back down at the table across from Connor. “We have this conversation once and never again. Nothing we say leaves this room.”

Connor nodded. “Deal.”

Jared let out a breath, presumably psyching himself up. “Okay. Evan and I were friends for a while because our moms were friends, but you probably know all those details from him. He was…” Jared frowned, “Always a really awkward kid. He had really bad social anxiety. Could hardly talk to people without stumbling over his words. Did you know he had a weird crush on your sister?”

Evan made a squeak of protest as Connor grit his teeth. “I’m aware.” He shot Evan a look out of the side of his eye.

Jared laughed. “Yeah, we talked about that before. If it makes you feel any better, I told him it was creepy. Anyway, I never told Evan this, but he was pretty much my only friend.”

“Jared always said he had loads of friends,” Evan muttered. “Before I died, he went on and on about this summer camp he was going to.”

“Evan told me you had a bunch of friends at some summer camp,” Connor relayed. “He thought he was just your family friend.”

Jared let out a harsh breath. “Yeah. Because that’s what I wanted him to think. I don’t know why. This may shock you, but I know I’m not the most popular kid in school.”

“No,” Connor said, drawing out the word sarcastically.

“Shut up,” Jared leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. “But yeah, I know I’m not exactly top in the social hierarchy here. I’m practically at the bottom, if I'm being honest. The only people I’ve really talked to are Alana and Evan. But Evan… Evan actually thought I was cool. He listened to my wild stories, no matter how unbelievable I made them. He wasn’t just my family friend, he was my best friend.”

“That’s the first time I’ve ever heard that,” Evan said, looking at Jared like he’d never seen him before.

“I do wish I could’ve told him that, even if only once,” Jared said, pulling off his glasses to rub at his eyes in frustration. Connor decided to take the higher road for once in his life and not comment on how Jared’s voice wobbled. “He was basically the only person in the world that made feel cool. It was nice to have someone that appreciated all my awesomeness. I mean, I have no idea how everyone else just ignores all this.” Jared gestured expansively to himself.

Connor snorted. “Right.” Jared seemed to be done talking about the subject, and Connor gave the other boy a moment to collect himself.

“I’d always wished for a best friend,” Evan said, looking at Jared. “Is that lame?” Connor shook his head side to side, slow enough not to get Jared’s attention, but enough for a response.

“So that’s my spiel,” Jared finished, pushing his glasses back on. “Your turn.”

Connor blanched. “My turn?”

“Yeah,” Jared waved a hand. “What, you thought you were going to get out of here after hearing me be all sappy and emotional without spilling your own guts? Hell no. I can give you a minute if you need it. I should probably record this. We could put it on YouTube. ‘Man Realizes He Has Feelings Other Than Suppressed Rage’.” 

“You’re a piece of shit,” Connor replied with feeling.

Jared nodded sagely. “It’s a gift. Stop changing the subject.”

Connor ran his fingers through his hair. “Fine. To me Evan was… someone who saw me, I guess,” he said, thinking of Evan’s words to him. He refused to look in Evan’s direction. “At first he just didn’t leave me alone, but eventually we came to an understanding. Even though we had almost nothing else in common, we were both alone. I think we were friends out of necessity.”

Jared nodded. “That makes sense.” An awkward silence lapsed between them.

“Want to go buy snacks from the vending machine and pretend this never happened?” Connor offered.

“Oh, thank god,” Jared agreed fervently, shoving pens and papers into his backpack. “I thought you’d never ask.” Jared was halfway out the door in under a minute as Connor scrambled after him. He looked to his right to see Evan struggling to keep up.

“Did you…?” he whispered, motioning to Evan’s cast. Evan gave him a small smile and turned the cast over to display the words ‘The insanely cool Jared Kleinman!’ written in blocky letters right next to Alana’s tall looping script.

Connor laughed. “He certainly took up a lot of space.”

Evan shrugged. “I guess I’ll be done sooner then.” He then made a face. “But I have no idea who we’ll talk to next. I actually didn’t have any other friends.”

Connor grimaced. “I actually might have an idea.”

“Really?” Evan asked, eyebrows shooting up. “Who?”

Connor felt a pit growing in his stomach just thinking about it. “I’m going to have to talk to my sister.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'll take 'Emotional Constipation' for 1000, Alex."  
> *Daily Double music plays*


	9. But We're A Million Worlds Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anybody watch the Tony Awards? Good stuff.

“You ready?” Zoe asked, not even glancing in Connor’s direction as she pulled her car keys out of her pocket.

“No,” Connor replied, just to be spiteful. He shivered as Evan attempted to elbow him in the chest, his arm phasing right through Connor.

“Great,” Zoe replied, oblivious to the ghost next to her. Connor trailed her to the car, trying to look as sullen as possible. He got in slowly, watching Evan slide into the backseat. Evan had assured him that he wasn’t tied to the school or seemingly anything in particular, given that he’d traveled all over the town before finally settling on the high school.

The ride was spent in silence for a good ten minutes. This wasn’t uncommon for either Murphy sibling, but when Connor glanced in the rearview mirror he could see Evan fidgeting. He frowned, wondering why ghosts had reflections. Maybe there was some logical explanation, like they were echoes of the actual person, retaining enough of their humanity to appear in mirrors. Maybe light was still able to reflect off them. Maybe Connor was just completely losing his marbles.

“What?” Zoe snapped, jerking Connor out of his thoughts.

“What?” Connor parroted, startled.

His sister huffed. “You were looking in the mirror really intensely. I thought something was behind us.”

“It’s nothing,” Connor said, shuffling in his seat. He met Evan’s eyes in the rearview mirror and glared at him.

“Sorry,” Evan muttered. “I’m not that good at sitting still.”

“So,” Connor said aloud, watching his sister’s jaw tighten. “I need to talk to you about something.”

“Really,” Zoe stated, tone clearly expressing her displeasure.

“Yeah,” Connor replied. “It’s about that kid who died a few months ago. Evan Hansen.”

Zoe looked confused for a brief moment before quickly schooling her expression back into one of irritation. “What about him? You finally grow a conscience after eighteen years?”

“Fuck you,” Connor snapped.

“Fuck you too,” Zoe replied. They pulled into their driveway and Zoe parked quickly. Connor scrambled out of the car.

“But really, I need to talk to you about him,” Connor said, shooting Evan a look through the backseat window. Evan made some indecipherable hand motion that didn’t help in the slightest.

Zoe paused as she grabbed her guitar out of the back seat. Connor held in a snicker as the case passed right through Evan’s arm, causing the ghost to yelp. “Okay,” she said, slamming the car door shut.

Connor’s eyebrows shot up. “Okay?” he asked in disbelief. “What, just like that?”

His sister’s eyes narrowed. “Did you want to talk or not?” she snapped.

“I do, but I thought I’d have to do a lot of begging first,” Connor admitted.

Zoe blew out a breath, sending a few stray hair strands fluttering. “I actually was meaning to talk to you about Evan too.”

“You were?” Connor asked.

“You were?” Evan echoed, forgetting that Zoe couldn’t hear him. When Connor glanced quickly in the ghost’s direction, he saw the other boy’s eyes shining with hope.

“Yeah,” Zoe replied. “I heard Alana talking about how you knew him, which was pretty weird considering I haven’t seen you talk to anyone, let alone have a best friend, since sixth grade.” They started walking toward the house. Zoe shoved the door open and let it swing behind her, not even looking as Connor barely managed to get a hand up before the door made contact with his face.

“Well, you know,” Connor muttered vaguely. “We were only friends for a couple months before he, uh, died.” Evan winced somewhere to Connor’s left.

“Right,” Zoe said, her tone indicating that she didn’t believe him. “Just let me set my stuff in my room and we can discuss this in the living room.” Connor grimaced. The siblings had an unspoken agreement that the living room was neutral territory, a place where arguments had to be kept to a minimum lest their parents get involved. This usually meant that Connor was forced to tolerate whatever sharp remarks Zoe could come up with while he fumed silently.

“Wow,” Evan said, listening to what was presumably Zoe’s room’s door slamming. “I think I underestimated how much you guys hated each other.”

Connor snorted. “It’s basically ingrained at this point. I don’t think I’d know what to do if we suddenly started being nicer to each other. That being said… I understand why she hates me.” He moved to the living room and dropped his bag on the glass top of the coffee table before sitting back heavily on the couch.

“Why?” Evan raised an eyebrow.

Connor sighed, rubbing at his eyes. “In case you’ve forgotten, I’m not a good guy, Evan. I did drugs, drank, yelled at my family, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Hell, there's probably horrible stuff I did that I can't remember. My list of problems is so long, my file in my therapist’s office looks like a fucking dictionary.” He ran his fingers through his hair nervously. “This was such a bad idea.”

“Who are you talking to?” Connor startled in his seat, twisting to face Zoe. She had her arms folded across her chest and looked five seconds away from getting either one of their parents or calling Connor’s therapist.

“No one,” Connor replied quickly. “It’s nothing.”

Zoe snorted. “Right.” She apparently decided to let the matter drop and took a seat on the armchair next to the sofa, despite the sofa have two whole empty cushions open. Connor’s mouth tightened in a firm line.

“So,” he began. “About Evan.”

“Yeah,” Zoe butted in. “What’s that all about? When did you meet him? How did you meet him? You never mentioned him, though I guess I shouldn’t be surprised about that. I don’t think you’ve told any of us about your life in years.”

Connor could feel something in his chest tightening, and he was unsure if it was anger or guilt. He really didn’t want to examine it further. “Evan and I met a little while before we died.” He glanced at Evan, and the ghost shrugged helplessly. “Uh… I went to a park. He was a park ranger. He wouldn’t shut up about trees.” Evan let out a squawk of protest.

“And you actually tolerated that?” Zoe asked, skeptically arching an eyebrow.

“Uh.” Shit. “Yes.”

Zoe looked thoroughly unimpressed. “You’re telling me that you actually went to a park to enjoy nature, met a kid who rambled about trees, and decided to become best friends with him?”

Connor scratched the back of his neck. “He knew a whole lot. It was like listening to an audio book. He almost put me to sleep.”

“Hey!” Evan sputtered indignantly.

“Yeah, I’m still not getting where the ‘friend’ part of this fits in,” Zoe said, waving a hand. “Based on past experience, I would’ve expected this story to end with you punching him.” Her expression darkened, and Connor winced internally.

“Well, I didn’t,” he muttered. “I guess we can tell mom that the therapy sessions are working.”

Zoe snorted derisively. “Right. I’m sure your time spent having a staring contest with your therapist is really opening you up to other people.”

Connor shrugged. “I made a friend, didn’t I?”

“Since I can’t currently disprove it, I guess,” Zoe huffed. “But I still can’t really believe you made friends with another living human being.”

“To be fair,” Evan chimed in. “She’s right about the ‘living’ part.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Shut up.” He was momentarily grateful that sentence applied to both parties currently involved in dragging Connor’s social life halfway across the state.

“So what did you want to talk about with him?” Zoe asked after a brief silence. “I’m couldn’t tell you much about him.”

“You never met him?” Connor asked, narrowing his eyes in Evan’s direction. The ghost gulped and looked away.

Zoe shook her head. “No. I don’t think I even heard his name really before Dad mentioned his death at dinner.” She frowned as if she were trying to remember something. “No, wait. I think I did see him once.”

“Really?” Evan’s head snapped up.

Connor shot Evan a look that said the other boy needed to tone it the fuck down before Connor went Ghostbusters on his ectoplasmic ass. “You did?”

“Yeah,” Zoe replied, nodding obliviously. “It was after one of my jazz concerts. I was packing up my stuff and talking with few of the brass players, and I saw someone by the bathrooms when I looked over. He was just looking at me every now and again like he wanted to say something, but before I could ask he ran into the bathroom.”

“Oh my god,” Evan muttered. “I can’t believe she saw that.”

“That… That sounds like Evan,” Connor said. “He had social anxiety.”

“Alana told me about that,” Zoe said. “She seemed pretty torn up after he died, and I just let her talk about him.” Connor hummed in acknowledgement and they lapsed into silence. 

“Was that all you wanted to talk about?” Zoe asked, looking confused.

“Uh, yeah,” Connor confirmed. “He just mentioned you a few times, and I was wondering if you knew him. My therapist said it was a good idea to try talking with you too, so this was the best opportunity I had.” Zoe huffed something that might have been a laugh, the tension in the room becoming more bearable.

“You seem different lately,” Zoe finally said. Connor met her gaze with a confused expression. She waved a hand, “You just look…happier. And less like you’re going to hurt someone.”

“Huh,” Connor muttered.

“Never mind,” Zoe sighed, getting to her feet. “I’m going to my room.” She squinted at him. “Keep this up, and you might fool mom and dad into thinking you’re actually a functioning member of society.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Connor huffed.

“Fuck you too,” Zoe replied without hesitation. As she left, Connor realized that had been the first time they’d had an exchange without shouting in almost three years. He shook his head and turned to Evan.

“Well?” he asked, nodding his head toward Evan’s cast.

Evan raised his arm to show Zoe’s name written in bright purple and surrounded by doodles of stars. “It worked somehow. Even though she never really knew me.”

Connor leaned back on the couch. “Why do you even like my sister in the first place?”

Evan’s eyes lit up. “She’s amazing!” he gushed. “She can play an instrument, and she has the best smile, and…” he trailed off.

“And?” Connor prompted.

“And she just has this confidence,” Evan sighed. “Like she knows who she is. Like she’s unafraid to be herself. I thought she was the kind of person that would let me be myself too.”

Connor nodded slowly. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Evan asked, frowning.

“Okay,” Connor repeated. “Don’t get me wrong, I would still kick your ass for creeping on my sister if you were alive,” Evan grimaced, “But at least I know you actually like her for good reasons.”

Evan sighed. “I never even got to confess.” He looked a little lost, and Connor considered for the first time how Evan hearing all these thoughts from people he cared about might be a curse.

Connor shrugged uncomfortably. “The world is shitty like that sometimes. You can’t control these things.” Somehow Evan looked even worse after that statement.

“Actually,” the boy began. He cut himself off.

“What?” Connor asked.

Evan took a deep breath. “Can I show you something?” Connor narrowed his eyes warily. “Nothing bad!” Evan spluttered hastily. “Just… I want you to go somewhere. It was important to me.”

Connor frowned. “What, like, your house?”

“No, it’s this big tree at Ellison State Park. It’s probably fifty feet tall,” Evan said, his eyes getting a faraway look.

Something clenched in Connor’s gut. “Is…Is that where…?”

Evan nodded. “It’s where I died.” 

The silence after those words was suffocating. “Why do you want me to see that?” Connor choked out desperately. “We don’t even know each other that well!”

“Because you’re the only one I can talk to about this now!” Evan burst out, startling them both. “I just. I need to tell someone about this. Afterwards, you can ignore me forever if you want.”

Connor picked at his chipped black nail polish nervously, and Evan looked away. Connor’s first impulse was to outright refuse, but he found himself hesitating as he watched Evan run his fingers over one of the names on his cast. “I’ll do it.”

“You will?” Evan asked, gaze snapping back to Connor. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Connor agreed, though it came out a bit strangled. He cleared his throat. “What are friends for?” Though Connor doubted that usually applied to viewing where your friend died, but whatever.

Evan gave him a small grin that spoke volumes. “Right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You don't need to be nervous. It's not like the tree's haunted or anything."  
> "Evan, you're literally haunting me right now."


	10. I Knew There Would Be Moments That I'd Miss

It was getting colder outside, and Connor felt it as he tugged his jacket tighter around his body. Admittedly, the park was beautiful with all its trees changing colors and losing leaves for the fall. He was surrounded by orange and red as the trees themselves loomed over him.

“Just a little further,” Evan assured him. He walked right next to Connor, though his steps didn’t make the leaves crunch like Connor’s did. It was midday, and the sun was bright overhead, however it didn’t seem to raise the temperature at all. They’d driven out that morning, passing right out of the crowded town areas. The park was open all day, and they hadn’t seen anyone so far, save for the odd jogger every once in a while.

“You said that twenty minutes ago,” Connor sighed. His complaint didn’t have too much heat behind it though. Even Connor could admit that, cooler temperature aside, it was still a nice day. The sky was clear, and he could even convince himself that getting fresh air was a nice change from the stifling hallways at school and tense atmosphere at home. He’d never tell Evan, but he was considering coming out here sometime by himself.

“There!” Evan said, regaining Connor’s attention. The ghost pointed to a tall tree across an open field. It was huge even from a distance, and it only seemed to grow as they crossed the field toward it. Within a few minutes they were standing at its trunk.

“This is it?” Connor asked, looking around the tree. A rock with a plaque sat at the tree’s base.

_In memory of Evan Hansen_

Connor felt his stomach twisting as he read the words. He looked over to Evan, who had his hand set on the trunk.

“My mom had it made,” Evan told him, looking at the rock. “She said I would’ve wanted this to be my actual headstone.” He got a faraway look that Connor had come to realize meant Evan was remembering something.

“For what it’s worth, this is a nice place,” Connor offered. He look around. The wind was blowing the field of grass around in waves and the trees were rustling. He sat down and leaned back against the tree’s trunk. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine what this place would look like from thirty feet up, able to see over the tree tops like they were a multicolored sea.

“Oh!” a voice said, startling Connor. He opened his eyes to see a woman standing to his left. She was holding a bouquet of flowers. Connor looked around to see Evan had disappeared.

“Uh, sorry, I was just…” he trailed off, “Taking a breath. I’ve been walking. Yeah.”

“Oh, no,” the woman said hastily. “Don’t let me bother you. I was just,” she gestured to her bouquet and then the rock with the plaque. Something clicked in Connor’s mind as she layed the flowers near the rock.

“You’re, um, Evan’s mom, right?” he said slowly.

“Yes,” she said, straightening back up. “Where are my manners? Heidi Hansen. Did you know Evan?”

“Yeah, we were kind of friends for a couple of months,” Connor replied, feeling off balance. Where was Evan?

“You were?” she asked, sounding surprised. “He never mentioned you.”

“Um, we mainly just talked after school when I was waiting for my sister, Zoe, to get out of jazz band practice,” Connor said, trying to make up a convincing lie off the top of his head. Luckily, he had plenty of practice doing that with his own parents.

“Zoe? Like Zoe Murphy?” Evan’s mom asked, lighting up. “Evan talked about her before. That must mean you’re Connor then. I have a yoga class with your mother now, though I’m afraid I’m not very good at it.”

“Uh-huh,” Connor replied vaguely with a nod. “Evan talked about you too a little. You’re a nurse, right?”

She nodded, “Yes. Though I’m afraid it kept me away from home too much.” She bit her lip. For a brief moment Connor was worried she would start crying, but she just took a shaky breath. “I’m glad that you were his friend though. I always worried about him. Evan had social anxiety and a lot of trouble talking to people.”

Connor shifted in place. “Yeah, but once he got going he wouldn’t stop. One time he went on about maple trees for fifteen minutes.”

Evan’s mom laughed. “He was always into nature documentaries growing up. He was so excited when he became a park ranger, you know?” She glanced around the forest. “Sometimes when I come here, I feel like he’s here too.”

Connor felt his throat closing up. “Yeah,” he muttered.

“Well,” she said after a moment. “It was nice meeting you Connor. If you ever need anything, I think your mother has my number.”

“It was nice meeting you too, Ms. Hansen,” Connor mumbled.

“Please, call me Heidi,” she said with a small smile. “And Connor, thank you.” She departed soon after, leaving Connor standing alone in the field next to the tree.

He sank back down to the ground after a few minutes. “Your mom really loves you,” he said out loud.

“I know,” Evan said, appearing at Connor’s right, leaning back against the tree trunk.

Connor looked up at Evan, who appeared as lost as he was the first day Connor met him. “I’m sorry.” Evan frowned in confusion. “That you died,” Connor clarified. “And that you have to go through this now to pass on.”

Evan was quiet for a minute. “I think I need to hear this,” he finally said. “Can I tell you something?”

“What?”

“It wasn’t an accident,” Evan said, dragging his fingernails over his cast.

“What do you mean?” Connor asked, feeling his stomach clench again.

“The fall,” Evan replied. “I didn’t fall. I climbed this tree as far as I could and I just… let go.”

“You mean…” Connor was unable to finish the thought. He felt himself getting colder, and not just from the wind. “That day…”

“Yeah,” Evan confirmed. “It just felt like too much to keep going and holding on. So that day I just. Didn’t.”

Connor’s thoughts rushed through his brain, like it was rewriting everything he knew about Evan. A part of Connor, a part that scared him, related to what Evan said. There were some dark days where he himself didn’t feel like he could hold on, didn’t feel like there was any reason to hold on. Some days it felt like he’d never be able to overcome that.

“I think,” Evan continued, “I needed to hear everything the others said because I needed to know I wasn’t alone. And now I know.” He looked at Connor. “And I think you need to know that too. None of us are alone.”

They sat at the base of the tree for a while, watching the grass wave and trees shake. When they talked, it was about nothing and everything. The sky had started to change from blue to orange, and Connor felt his fingertips going numb from cold.

“We should probably head back,” Connor said, getting to his feet. He looked over to Evan, who really didn’t look like he was any different from a normal kid. “Evan, I’m not going to repeat this, but I just wanted to say… I’m really glad I met you.”

Evan grinned before looking down, and his eyes widened. He held up his cast so that Connor could see the change. Connor’s name was scrawled in tall letters, almost sarcastically large, over the front of Evan’s cast to the point where it would be hard to squeeze anything else on there, even if they tried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Please tell me you don't normally write at this size."
> 
> Whew, only one more chapter to go! Thanks for sticking with me! Also, props to that one person who guessed this would happen like three chapters ago haha


	11. No One Deserves To Be Forgotten

Connor stared at his own handwriting, stunned, trying to process what had just happened. Evan appeared to be in a similar state of shock as he turned his cast one way and the other, trying to find even a bit of empty space. The effort was wasted as there wasn’t another spot open that either of them could see.

“I don’t…” Evan muttered, staring at the letters intensely.

“What,” Connor croaked. He cleared his throat and tried again. “What does that mean?” Evan met his eyes with confusion. “I mean, do you feel any different?”

Evan frowned, considering it. “I…I don’t know for sure what happened,” he admitted, tracing the letters on his cast. “I do feel different though.”

“How?” Connor asked, feeling something in his gut twist. He knew the answer.

“I guess everything just seems…lighter,” Evan replied. “Like I’d been walking with weights around my ankles all this time, but now they’re gone.”

“Oh,” Connor said, glancing down at the leaves under his feet. “That’s good, I guess.” He looked back to Evan, and it might just have been his imagination but Evan already seemed to be a little less present physically than he had been a few moments ago.

“Yeah,” Evan agreed hesitantly. “I guess you were right about getting all the signatures.”

“Hm,” Connor hummed uneasily. “Do you think you’ll move on then, or whatever?”

Evan made a face. “Maybe? I just get this feeling…” he trailed off. “Like I know somehow that the next time I disappear, I won’t come back. I don’t know what’ll come after this though.”

Connor bit his lip as his throat began to close up. It fucking figured that Evan would have to leave. His first friend in around four years, and he only knew him for a little over a month. This always happened. There was no way Connor would ever get to be happy and he’d just be alone forever because he couldn’t talk to anyone without getting angry and his family hated him and the therapy wouldn’t work and the teachers were too strict and the kids at school laughed at him in the halls and-

“Connor!” Evan’s yell snapped Connor out of the downward spiral his mind had been taking.

“Huh?” Connor responded, meeting the ghost’s eyes.

“You looked like you were getting lost in your own head,” Evan said. “I mean, that happened to me all the time.”

Connor took a shaky breath. “It’s nothing. I can handle it.” The lie tasted bitter in his mouth.

Evan frowned. “I thought that too, but eventually all that built up in my gut until I was choking on it.”

Connor raised an eyebrow. “I suppose you have some words of advice for me then?”

“I’ve never been good with words,” Evan sighed. “I wish I could tell you that you can change your life overnight, but I can’t. I can’t guarantee that everything will be happy in the future. I can’t say that you’ll never have days where the world gets too heavy. But I can tell you that I wish I’d held on that day. And Connor, I think you’re strong enough to hold on. Even if you doubt yourself sometimes, just keep holding on because the view is worth it.”

Connor stared into the ghost’s eyes, and saw that Evan’s form was definitely fading at this point. The weak sunset was starting to shine through the other boy, giving him an unearthly glow. Connor doubted Evan would last much longer. “You know, I would normally make fun of someone saying something as cheesy as that, but thanks Evan. I…I needed to hear that.”

Evan grinned at his friend. He perked up as he thought of something. “Hey Connor, before I died, my therapist recommended I do some kind of exercise to help me work through my feelings and build self-confidence.”

“And you really think that’ll work for me?” Connor asked, raising an eyebrow.

Evan shrugged. “I mean, it can’t hurt.”

“Fair enough. What was it?”

“It was writing a letter to myself,” Evan said, laughing at the face Connor made. “No seriously, it helped sometimes! Think of it more as a way to confront what’s really bothering you.”

“So what, should I just keep these on my laptop or something? Print them out and build the saddest diary anyone has ever seen?” Connor asked.

Evan thought about it. “I had an e-mail account. My mom probably meant to deactivate it, but knowing her she’ll never get around to it. You could send some e-mails there. It’ll be like you’re still talking to me.” The ghost grinned, and Connor couldn’t bring himself to tease him.

“I’ll think about it,” he finally agreed. Evan gave him a small smile.

“Let me tell you how I wrote mine,” Evan said as they both sat back down at the base of the tree. “And Connor… If this really is the last time we talk, I’m glad I met you too.”

 

* * *

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today was a good day and here’s why:_

_Jared actually ate lunch with me today. Okay, well he sat at the table next to me and smirked at me every time we made eye contact, but I think that’s just how he offers his friendship. In another month, he might actually say something to me that doesn’t end in an insult. Also, Alana said hello to me in the hallways and tried to get me to sign her petition about school uniform. I signed it because one of the points was about letting guys grow out their hair more, and I would be fucking thrilled if the teachers stopped getting on my case about hair length._

_In other news, Zoe and I managed to have a full dinner without screaming at each other. I think my mom cried afterwards while she was washing dishes, but she just said she got soap suds in her eye. My father came up to me and looked like he was going to say something, but he just kept walking after giving me a nod. I think he was proud. Or maybe he just felt the need to acknowledge his child for the first time in four years. Either is possible._

_Your mom is coming over for dinner this weekend apparently. I guess she’s become closer friends with my mom. Maybe they bond over yoga or something, though I don’t know how you’d be able to talk with someone while contorting your body like a pretzel. My mom is getting on my case about cleaning my room for the visit, though I have absolutely no idea why since giving a tour of the Murphy house is just a disaster waiting to happen. I honestly don’t remember what kind of carpet my room has, but apparently I’ll find out by Saturday._

_Anyways, that’s all that’s really been happening. I can’t believe it’s already been a month since I started these letters. If anyone found these, I’d have to burn my hard drive. If Jared found these, I’d have to burn my hard drive and bury a body. I’ll write again whenever._

_Sincerely your best and most amazing friend,_

_Me_

* * *

 

Connor leaned back in his chair and grunted as his back popped. He sent the e-mail, and the delivery was signaled by a digital whoosh. When he strained his ears, he could hear his mother still washing dishes in the kitchen and the soft voices from the television in the living room, while noises like the strings of a guitar being plucked came from the direction of his sister’s room. 

He got up and made his way to the window in his room, staring outside at the multicolored leaves that littered the lawn and the sidewalk beyond it. Despite the fact that the temperature was dropping rapidly, the sun still shone brightly overhead through fluffy clouds and a brilliant blue sky. Connor sat down heavily on his bed and pulled his headphones on, content with watching the wind blow through the trees as birds took off into a sky that seemed to go on for forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


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